The Last Goodbye

This weekend just gone has been emotional. There have been floods of tears; saying goodbye to all your friends is hard to do. Saying goodbye to the man you love is even harder. Nothing prepares you for how much it hurts or for all the tears that come streaming down your face. Not a pleasant sight to see to be honest (no girl looks pretty when she cries).  Saturday night was the night of saying goodbye to those cherished. It was a night of running from those cherished to see him one last time. Saying goodbye to him was the hardest thing to do, he’s been my rock and inspiration since we first met (not like he knows any of this). There’s this feeling inside me that is so hard to explain when it comes to him, it’s complicated but not in the way you’d think. It’s complicated to the point where not even I can express fully how he makes me feel.

The most complicated/ confusing part of all of this is we kissed. For more than a year I’ve regretted that I never told him how I felt, never fought to stay with him and give the whole long distance relationship a try. Understandably it’s hard to do and I get why we decided to end the relationship. It just blow’s that we weren’t able to maintain close whilst he was on his travels. Having him come home just before my adventures began was the best thing to happen to me all year. I was overfilled with joy.  Having that one last kiss has ever so slightly confused me but I’m glad it happened. I’ve wanted to do it for so long and talk to him about it all but I will now never have the chance, nor the courage to do so. I am leaving and there’s a 95% possibility that England will never see me again.

To make matters even more confusing an old friend of mine came to visit Friday (the day before all this happened) and as he left we kissed. This was a kiss of promises to be broken, passionate yet a goodbye kiss. One meaning we’ll never get to do it again; and I’m happy with that. What I won’t be happy with is never getting to see him again (not the old friend) he means far too much to me, to just let go. Being kissed a day apart by two men whom I deeply adore has made this adventure that much harder.  These were both the last goodbyes.

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